Category Archives: Journal

Confession

A text to my best friend

contains my raw reality

“I feel like such a failure.”

The reply almost instantaneous.

“You must say no to that lie. Ask God what you are, my dear. Really.”

So God, here I am.

With one question…

What am I, really?

Dear One,

You are learning

to follow me

to trust

to live my call.

So dear to my heart.

Cherished by me for more than what you see contained within you.

 

Dear One,

You are Mine.

You follow My heart.

You listen to My voice.

You seek My face.

You are mine.

And I am wholly devoted to you.

 

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Remember, Jesus is always the answer

My friend and I have a running joke that Jesus is always the answer. In the end we both hold to the same belief, that Jesus being the answer is the truest thing either of us could ever say.

Lately this belief has been echoing through my heart. Although I’ve noticed it seems to have a tinny kind of sound to it these days. So I stopped in the midst of the busyness of life to contemplate and mull over this belief. After hours (and seemingly days) of mulling over my past, my life, and my reality I discovered one big discrepancy. I never took the belief of Jesus being the answer to all of my hopes, dreams, fears, insecurities, and weaknesses to heart. This belief has never apparently made it past my brain.

I know that God wants my heart all of it. I realize now that I have been holding back on him. It’s created a deep set restlessness within me and I have turned everywhere to escape that feeling. All the while missing the point Jesus is the answer. It may seem simple and it is actually, but it is so hard to give up control of my heart. My heart is the one thing that is truly mine. The one thing that no can take away. For this entire year God has been asking me to give him my heart all of it; holding nothing back. I’ve dodged, dived, and ducked away from doing it, to my own pain and dissatisfaction. But I now see clearly that if i want to grow and mature from who I am now, I must relinquish control of my heart. I must in order to make my heart know that Jesus is the answer.

So here’s to letting go.


Redeem Me

Redeem me oh God

Once again I have strayed

Fallen away from the path you have set before me

Trying to lose myself in tawdry things, of no value

Gratifying my need for
love,
acceptance,
worth from things that can never give what I truly desire.

My deepest desires are to be known
And therefore loved intimately

I keep searching and searching
For these two things
In all the wrong ways

The arms of another
A life of pretend
Independence

But in the end these sources always leave me wanting
Proving again that I am unloved and unknown

All the while I know that you are the source I desperately desire

That you are the one that knows me

You are the one that loves me

I long for you

But why do I seek other things?

Other things that I know will never know me as intimately as you do.

Maybe I run to the things that will know me generically, so that I would receive an illusion of intimacy. Because it is in those things I never have to become truly vulnerable. I retain my mystery, my independence, and my safety.

To choose you,
to run into your arms is to let go
Of every built in protection that I have in my life

To be known by you
Is to be vulnerable
To be seen
Completely bare
Nakedly revealed to you in all ways

Oh God redeem me
Receive my naked form
Take me into your embrace
Change me
Redeem this heart once again.


Love You

 

Do you know how much I love you?
Do you know?
I stand up from My throne and shout…
I love you!
Day and night this cry is ceaseless.
I desire for you to know –
Truly know this love I have – for you.
There are times I speak in beautiful whispers – to you.
But when it comes to My love for you –
I can’t keep from shouting
I love you
I love you
I love you.
My love is your endless oasis.
Come drink.
Its time for you to know
To know the beauty and freedom of surrendering
of drowning
in My love for you.

 


Desperation

 

Its time.

Time for something different.

You’ve been in a place of little for far too long.

A style of getting by with just barely enough .

It’s time for a change.

It’s time for desperation.

Desperation for Me and Me alone.

It is here where your thirst for Me will be made known.

Here in this state your heart will become truly Mine.

For you will know how much you need Me.

How much you’ve always needed Me.

But more importantly how much you desire Me.

Desperation for Me – is the banner over you.

For it is here where you will seek My face.

You will seek Me in new ways,

With new fervor,

and greater depth.

So I encourage you My child yo seek My face – for you will find it.

You will see Me for who I Am.

I Am your hope,

your rescuer,

your strength,

provider,

shelter,

safe place,

and life source.

In your desperation you will find Me.

It is here you will be changed.

Here you will realize that desperation will be your way of life.

It is time for a change.

This is it.

 


The Depths

 

God I’m crying out.

I’m screaming out from the very depths of my soul.

I’m terrified.

So utterly scared out of my mind.

I just want to feel safe and protected.

All I feel now is pure unadulterated terror.

I’m begging you to be with me.

To rescue me.

Please, please come to my aid.

I’m sick to my stomach from insecurity and vulnerability.

I can’t take it anymore.

Is this what my life is going to be here everyday?

If so, I don’t think I’m going to make it.

I’m so scared.

So alone.

So weak.

So needy.

Rescue me.

I’m begging.

Quiet my heart.

Surround me with your peace because I can’t take this.

God please,

please,

save me.

 


Cry

A deep cry is pouring out of my soul.

I can’t quiet it.

It comes in the deepest waves.

The cry that I need you God, so much.

I need you.

It’s not a want anymore – it’s the most desperate need I’ve ever known.

I’ll scream it at the top of my lungs – I need you so much.

Oh, how I need you.

God, I have nothing to offer you – but the pieces of my heart.

But I give them freely.

Take me God I’m ready to be yours.

Make me the lover of your heart.

This is my need,

this is my cry.