A text to my best friend
contains my raw reality
“I feel like such a failure.”
The reply almost instantaneous.
“You must say no to that lie. Ask God what you are, my dear. Really.”
So God, here I am.
With one question…
What am I, really?
You are learning
to follow me
to live my call.
So dear to my heart.
Cherished by me for more than what you see contained within you.
You are Mine.
You follow My heart.
You listen to My voice.
You seek My face.
You are mine.
And I am wholly devoted to you.
My friend and I have a running joke that Jesus is always the answer. In the end we both hold to the same belief, that Jesus being the answer is the truest thing either of us could ever say.
Lately this belief has been echoing through my heart. Although I’ve noticed it seems to have a tinny kind of sound to it these days. So I stopped in the midst of the busyness of life to contemplate and mull over this belief. After hours (and seemingly days) of mulling over my past, my life, and my reality I discovered one big discrepancy. I never took the belief of Jesus being the answer to all of my hopes, dreams, fears, insecurities, and weaknesses to heart. This belief has never apparently made it past my brain.
I know that God wants my heart all of it. I realize now that I have been holding back on him. It’s created a deep set restlessness within me and I have turned everywhere to escape that feeling. All the while missing the point Jesus is the answer. It may seem simple and it is actually, but it is so hard to give up control of my heart. My heart is the one thing that is truly mine. The one thing that no can take away. For this entire year God has been asking me to give him my heart all of it; holding nothing back. I’ve dodged, dived, and ducked away from doing it, to my own pain and dissatisfaction. But I now see clearly that if i want to grow and mature from who I am now, I must relinquish control of my heart. I must in order to make my heart know that Jesus is the answer.
So here’s to letting go.
There is a need deep inside that I can’t explain.
An insatiable craving that just can’t be stopped.
Everyday I feel it more and more.
There are moments where it seems to tear the very core of me apart.
Yet there are times where it is the only thing that keeps me going.
At points I dread it for it seems to throw my world into chaos.
But then there are moments where its the only clarity I have.
What is this that won’t let me go?
What is this that tells me I am worth more than I realize?
What is this that breaks me gently, tenderly?
Lord, is this… Love?
I love you.
You question it,
you doubt it,
you argue with me about it.
But I love you anyways.
I cannot help but love you, dear one.
My heart resonates for you.
I long to see you,
to hear you say my name.
I cherish all moments with you.
When doubt creeps in.
When you convince yourself that I shouldn’t love you
due to your sin or past, even your present flaws.
Remember this moment.
Remember me whispering “I can’t help but love you.”
Hearing me say again and again “I can’t help but love you.”
Hear me shout at the top of my lungs “I CAN”T HELP BUT LOVE YOU!”
Dear one, I love you, I love you, I love you.
There is no end to this love…
It does not cease.
You’ve prayed and asked what it means to love like Me.
What it means to have a heart like mine.
You’ve said ‘ you desire and crave
– to love like I do.
When you truly love like Me there will be no differentiation between your love for people and My love – for it will all be one love.
Are you sure you want this?
You see My love is not only a wholehearted commitment – it’s a lifestyle.
My love is deep
To love like Me.
Means you’re willing to lay everything down for it.
To lay down you’re selfish desires, wants, needs, your own prerogative – no selfish motivation or manipulation in this love.
Because My love is pure.
My love is all you need.
When you love like I do people see a beauty they never knew existed.
It is here in this love that healing occurs and freedom begins.
It’s here where belonging is known and real beauty is seen.
Here where the deepest pains and torments are poured out.
Are you ready to be a part of this?
Do you still want to love like I do?
Are you ready to love like the Father?